White. White as a blinding blizzard on the coldest and windiest day of the year atop the highest mountain. Yes, that’s the color of rage. I know because I was there. It held my hand, and then seduced me into its depths. I was there because I didn’t know where else to go. I was catapulting in the blinding White, helpless.
When my father told me my mother had passed away, I can remember forcefully escaping his embrace, needing to ‘run.’ In my father’s home, I ran, up the stairs, around the corner, down the stairs. Somewhere between the first and fifth step going down, I leapt into the infinite depths of the White rage. Yes, I needed it so. Within that White, I knew I could say what I wanted and needed to say, in that moment: “THAT BI_CH, THAT F_CKING BI_CH! HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO US! I HATE HER! I HATE HER!! I HATE HER!!!”
In some distant universe, I heard my father calling me, begging me to stop. The woman inside me was open to listening, but the child, the one who had become so entangled in the White, would have nothing to do with him. She was in control, and fury was pouring out of her, from every crevice of her being, embodied by the welcoming arms of the White.
Yes, I have once been engulfed in blind rage. In fact, I almost drowned in it that day. As I look back, however, I realize I was lifted out of the White in those horrific moments, and for about a billion moments thereafter. I suppose, given all of his omnipotence and all, God’s hands weren’t too badly beaten and bruised as he carried me, tantrum and all, out of the White. And, considering his vast and infinite experience, there are probably worse things he has heard.
Jeannie, this is so expressive and in my head a saw the woman/girl going through this moment. I can't imagine how traumatic it was. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are able to do this; I am honored to be included as a sharer. I pray that Our Lord Jesus is healing you as you elease the emotions. You are always in my prayers. I love you, Dad Mc
ReplyDeleteJeannie, thank you for sharing your experiences. I too, had painful experiences with my parents. While I did not experience the horrific trauma of loosing a parent the way that you did (I admire you for surviving that), my journey has left me filled with anger and rage. It has only begun to subside within the last 7 or 8 years. I am trying to learn to properly understand and focus this energy/anger where it belongs, although at times I do find it difficult to identify the correct target. Consequently, I often find myself lashing out at people close to me…victims of proximity. My goal and challenge is to understand, in the moment, why I am angry and with whom I am angry. I have discovered that it is often the wounds of my journey that ruin the present. Thank you for sharing your experience. They are helping me to understand and heal. I hope that it is permissible that I share my journey with you and your family (fast “P”).
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